should?

 

A larger-than-life litho self-portrait by Jim Dine, with a true-to-life self portrait by me. Jim oversees all my ink mixing in the studio with all-seeing eyes.

HEY GABRIELLE, SO HERE'S WHAT YOU NEED TO DO: BE AN AWESOME LITHOGRAPHER who whips up home cooked healthy meals, runs half-marathons, (maybe trains for a triathlon), who reads a lot, thinks a lot, and hey let's think about Sarah's residency suggestion in Munich after this yearlong internship is done. Let's learn a new language, make new friends and have a good time in my new flat with my new flatmates. Don't forget to maintain friendships back home, keep in touch with mom and dad. Keep eyes open, watch the artists here. Watch the gallerists here, the art dealers. Go to openings. Learn as much as possible about this art world. Start thinking of grad school (worry about funding for grad school), have a rockin' studio practice. Draw everyday. Build up a body of work. How do you feel about trying to get a solo show back home? Or hey, why not here in Berlin? Figure out the next steps. Figure out money. Figure out you.

Running through my brain is a constant stream of I should, I should, I should, and these days I find it all so tiresome. All I want to do is shut my brain off and watch Twin Peaks. I'm a huge believer in always demanding more from yourself, and I pride myself in (usually) rising to the challenge. But I can't seem to make myself do many of the things I think I should do at the moment, and it's driving me crazy. I know I'm expecting just a little too much all at once, and that's probably the core of the problem. But I also have a hard time telling myself to take it easy on some things. That's like giving myself permission to be mediocre. I don't want to be mediocre. I want to be exceptional.

I'm without a solution at the moment, but at least I've put a lot of words to the problem.